I received a joke over the Internet with the title "Assaltantes Brasileiros" (Brazilian Robbers) which I would like to share. It is somewhat funny and deals with a bad situation in a humorous, irreverent manner. It shows how seven robbers in difference parts of Brazil do hold-ups and what they say to the victim. To be honest, the seven individuals below not only conform to the stereotypes of each (that’s why the joke is funny, at least in Portuguese!), but to a certain extent each one reflects reality. The words are sometimes hard to translate literally, and a translation cannot begin to convey the voice mannerisms and intonation found in the joke that reflect regional dialects and vocabulary.
This is about regional differences and stereotypes, but there is a small grain of truth somewhere here. The fact is that these characteristics are part of popular folklore, portrayed in daily conversations by Brazilians about other Brazilians, all the time. Some might be offended by certain aspects of this article, but oh well.
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ASSALTANTE PARAIBANO Ei, bichim... Isso é um assalto... Arriba os braços e num se bula, num se cague e num faça munganga. Arrebola o dinheiro no mato e não faça pantim, se não enfio a peixeira no teu bucho e boto teu fato pra fora ... Perdão meu Padim Pade Ciço, mas é que eu tô com uma fome da moléstia. |
PARAIBANO ROBBER Hey, bichim... This is a robbery... Raise your arms and don’t fuss don’t shit yourself and don’t do XXXXXX Toss the money in the bushes and don’t make pantim, else I will stick a fish knife in your belly and put your insides out... Pardon me my dear Father Ciço, but it is that I am hungry like a disease. |
Paraibanos, from the state of Paraiba in the Northeast, are said to be quick-tempered and somewhat humble. The fish knife is a classic artifact of the Northeast, always coming up in jokes about fights and infidelity. They are said to call people, almost anybody, bichim, which I guess is derived from bichinho (little animal or pet). The Cearenses, from the state of Ceara, are also known for their bravery and willingness to fight, and for saying "O Xente" all the time, meaning Oh Gente, which can be translated as Oh People, or us guys. All Nordestinos, from the Northeast of Brazil are known for their suffering (because of the dry climate), their hospitality and religious devotion, especially to Padre Cicero, a small monk that was a legend in the Northeast for many decades, and is revered even today. When I think of nordestino, I always remember the words of Euclides da Cunha about the people of the Sertao (the backlands, or badlands, the dry harsh land of the Brazilian Northeast. The first words in his famous book, Os Sertaoes) are: O nordestino é, antes de tudo, um forte. (The northeasterner is, more than anything, stong). The nordestina (women of the Northeast) are said to be valiant and very jealous, ready to use the peixeira (fish knife) to cut off certain parts of a man that messes with them. Also, according to popular traditions, all nordestinos have flat heads and no necks, usually because since they are small kids their mothers constantly pat them on their heads and say "Vai pra Sao Paulo, meu filho, vai pra Sao Paulo" (Go to Sao Paulo).
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ASSALTANTE BAIANO meu rei... (pausa) Isso é um assalto... (longa pausa ) Levanta os braços, mas não se avexe não...(outra pausa) Se num quiser nem precisa levantar, pra num ficar cansado ... Vai passando a grana, bem devagarinho (pausa pra pausa) Num repara se o berro está sem bala, mas é pra não ficar muito pesado. Não esquenta, meu irmãozinho pausa) Vou deixar teus documentos na encruzilhada .. |
ROBBER FROM BAHIA my king... (pause) This is a robbery... (long pause) Raise your arms, but don’t worry.. (another pause) If you don’t want you don’t need to raise them , so you won’t get tired... Start passing me the money, very slowly (pause for a pause) Don’t worry if the screamer (gun) has no bullets, but that’s so it won’t be too heavy. Say cool, my little brother, (pause) I will leave your documents at the corner. |
The Baiano. Hum. One time my brother-in-law came back from Salvador and told me the following: O Bahiano e’ tao preguicoso que e’ capaz de levantar cedo so para ter mais tempo para nao fazer nada. The means the Baiano is so lazy he may get up early just so he will have more to do nothing. That is probably not true, but throughout Brazil the Baianos are known for being slow, relaxed and easy going. Everybody loves Bahia. It is beautiful (at least the coast) and the people are friendly. Notice that the Baiano calls everybody "my king", always in a slow, low drawl voice, with a pause or two in every sentence. Another common characteristic of Baiano speech is the use of the diminutive form (words ending in zinho, meaning little). This is also denotes affection and intimacy. The part about the robber taking the money but leaving a person’s documents is also standard urban folklore. In Brazil, the "good" robber will always leave a person his/her ID documents and maybe even some change for the bus. The is because getting copies of your ID documents is a big, time consuming hassle. Another thing very often associated with Bahia is candomble (or umbanda or macumba). Without being technical, these are Afro-Spirit religions that mix African gods and Catholic saints, in a way that is similar but different from Voodoo. Anyway, Baianos are known for the practice of Candomble, involving cigars, dead chickens and pinga, in which the spirits come down (baixar) and possess a person, usually the mae/pai de santo, which is the mother/father of a saint, the medium. Once again, this is just a popular image that is very popular in Brazil, at least in jokes. Click here for a baiano joke and comments.
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ASSALTANTE MINEIRO Ô sô, prestenção . isso é um assarto, uai. Levanta os braço e fica quetin quêsse trem na minha mão tá cheio de bala... Mió passá logo os trocados que eu num tô bão hoje. Vai andando, uai ! Tá esperando o quê, uai !! |
ROBBER FROM MINAS GERAIS Look you, payattention this is a robbery, uai. Raise your arms and stay quiet thishere train in my hand is full of bullet... Better pass over any change cause I am not well/good today get walking, uai! What are you waiting for! uai! |
O mineiro trabalha em silencio (the mineiro works in silence). I have heard that a thousand times. O Mineiro e’ come-quieto. That means , while the cool Carioca (from Rio) and the sophisticated Paulista (from Sao Paulo) are trying to impress the girls, the Mineiro is having a banquet, working behind the scenes and getting all the girls. The Mineiro is also known for his independence and self-reliance, and as a reconciliator. Perhaps the best known stereotype is the caipira, the hillbilly, that talks funny, not pronouncing Rs and running words together, or not saying all syllables of a word. Hence, as in the joke, melhor (better) is pronounced mió, passar (hand over) is passá and quietinho (very quiet) is quetin. Nao (no, negative) is always pronounced "num". The image of the caipira is by no means exclusive to Minas gerais, but is applied to all people from the "Interior" (inland, non big city people). The concept is that the caipira is simple-minded and unsophisticated, but pure of heart and naturally astute. The best archtype of the Brazilian caipira is Chico Bento, from Mauricio de Souzas comic books, with straw hats, bare feet and old clothes. Oh yes, all caipiras are always saying "uai" at the end of sentences, usually in a high slow voice, pronouncing both syllables distinctly. Roughly this means "hum-uh" or "oh yeah", and it can either be either an interrogative or affirmative exclamation, reinforcing any declaration. Uai.
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ASSALTANTE CARIOCA Seguiiiinnte, bicho .. Tu te ferrou. Isso é um assalto .... Passa a grana e levanta os braços rapá ... Não fica de bobeira que eu atiro bem pra cacete .. Vai andando e se olhar pra traz vira presunto .. |
CARIOCA ROBBER (From Rio) Its like this, guy. You’re screwed. This is a robbery... Pass over the doe and raise your arms kid Don’t stand there stupid cause I shoot bloody well Start walking and if you look back you’re dead meat. |
The carioca is cool. At least he thinks so. He is always out-smarting the competition. He is better that all other Brazilians, even if poor, because he lives in the most beautiful city in the world (he does!) and the carioca women are the best (who knows, they may be!), and he has the best beaches and most of all, he has the only real, true, authentic samba (he is probably right again). At least that is the basic stereotype. Actually the archtype of the carioca is the malandro. This is a sly, fast-talking, hip guy that knows his way around and lives an extreme bohemian life style of late nights, wine, women and song (actually, beer). The 1930s and 40s were the great era of the malandro, always dressed in white suits and hats, enjoying the arts and the pleasures of the flesh. When I think of malandro I always remember Moreira da Silva and Chico Buarque’s "Opera do Malandro". There is a movie version and I recommend it. Nowadays, the word malandro has a much worse connotation, being associated with crime and cheating. Back to the carioca. Urban folklore says cariocas always begin a sentence with "seguinte" (it follows, its like this...) and everybody is "bicho" (guy, kid, animal, whatever). Also, cariocas have a tendency to use profanity and employ words with a sexual connotation: ferrou, cacete, fudido, caralho, puta merda, putz grilo, etc in everyday conversation, even more than other Brazilians. Many times I have heard it said that Carioca só fala besteira (Carioca only talk nonsense or rubbish). The reputed violence of Rio is alluded to by the word "presunto" meaning "ham" but any dead body, usually a victim of gang warfare or police death squads (Esquadrão da Morte). I remember using it myself after walking around a dead body at the corner of the road where I lived ("Tinha um presunto na esquina"). Sad. Anyway , the carioca is relaxed, and loves to sit in the bars or sidewalk cafes, drink beer, eat bolinho de bacalhau, watch the girls go by and maybe engage in some light-hearted paquera (hard to translate, but sort of hitting on the girls for a date). If things are slow, he will start a batucada, a samba drumming-type rhythm using anything available on the table, or traditional, a matchbox. That, in a seashell, is the carioca.
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ASSALTANTE PAULISTA |
PAULISTA ROBBER (from São Paulo) Ôrra, my. This is an assault, my Raise up your arms, mine..... Pass me the money, my faster, my, cause I still need to get to the ticket office while open to buy a tichet to the Curintia game, mine. Pô, guy, get going, my... |
As everybody knows, Paulistas are what make Brazil move. Without Sao Paulo, Brazil would basically be in the middle ages, or maybe even living in huts in the jungle. After all, they ate the descendants of the bandeirantes, the flag-bearers that opened up and explored Brazil. The Paulistas are said to the hard-working, industrious, serious, creative, and tight-fisted. They are also, according to most other Brazilians, conceited, rude and have a tendency to exaggerate. Cariocas like to say that Paulistas are no fun (sem graça) and boring (chato). All the people of São Paulo think about is work and money, and a soccer team called Corinthians, which they cannot even pronounce, and always loses anyway. According to popular wisdom, Paulistas call everybody "meu", as is "meu amigo" (my friend) and use it in about 66% of all sentences. The Paulistas also overuse the words cara (guy, face, hey you...), ora (well this, well that) and pô (from porra, a profanity). Paulistas are always in a hurry, hence the robber has to get to the ticket office to buy an entrance to the Corinthians game before it closes. The Corinthians soccer club is a traditional team and most of its fans are poor or black, and is known for losing games, particular important ones. The rich or middle class Paulistas will cheer for Palmeiras (Italians) or Sao Paulo (tri-color) teams. Brazilians in other parts of Brazil and love to make fun of this team and how the fans mispronounce its name. Of course the fans don’t really say Curintia, but use the word timão (great team). Another object of amusement, to all Brazilians and even to the Paulistas, are the periodic floods that cover all of Sao Paulo, turning the city into lakes and rivers. Paulistas may suffer from the bad traffic and floods, but they have the consolation that they are the economic heart (and brain) of Brazil, and they have the best nightlife and food in Brazil. So they say. One last thing. For some reasons, there is an idea that Paulistas always give bad directions to visitors. Actually I just think it is very easy to get lost in Sao Paulo, a humongous city, even with precise directions (there are no visible landmarks!).
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ASSALTANTE GAÚCHO O gurí, ficas atento ... Báh, isso é um assalto ... Levanta os braços e te aquieta, tchê Não tentes nada e cuidado que esse facão corta uma barbaridade, tchê. Passa as pilas prá cá ! E te manda a la cria, senão o quarenta e quatro fala. |
GAUCHO ROBBER Hey gurí (boy), pay attention... Báh, this is a robbery... Raise your arms and be thou quiet, tchê Don’t thee try anything and take care that this big knife cuts like barbarity, tchê. Pass me the money over here! And get back to your place, else the forty-four will speak. |
In Brazil you will hear a ton of jokes about gauchos, and 110% of these jokes will either make fun of the gauchos exaggerated sense of masculinity or cast it in doubt. Well maybe 90% only. The stereotype of the man from Rio Grande do Sul, always called a gaucho (you know, the cowboy of the pampas), even if he has never owned or even rode a horse, is that of a proud, fierce, independent and quick-tempered man, always ready to defend his honor. Of course, that being the case, other Brazilians, will try their best to make fun of him, somehow. This usually means that the joke will usually end with the gaucho being a closet gay, or chifrudo (corno, cornudo, traido, meaning "horned") or in English, cuckolded by a cheating wife. The gauchos, and people from two other southern states (Parana and Santa Catarina) are often seen as conceited, because they are white (or have a lighter skinned, more European population) as compared to the rest of Brazil. Once in a while, some stupid gaucho will proclaim the need to dissociate from Brazil and form a new, separate country, the Republic of the Pampas, or something. I have even seen bumper stickers about this in RGS. Anyway, back to the joke. The other 10% of jokes about gauchos will make fun of the way he talks, using words like guri (boy), the fact that very other word is "tchê" (untranslatable, tche means tchê, but is kind of like OK) and the fact that Gauchos, more than any other Brazilians, have a tendency to use the formal pronouns and verbs of the second person, singular and plural. That means they use words like tu / te (thou or ye) and vos / vossa (thine) and the verb forms that go with these, such as ficas (thou stay) and tentes (thou try) in the joke. This form is rarely used in talk except in Rio Grande do Sul. Of course, everybody knows that all gauchos carry a big kinife (facão) and are ready to use it any time, any place, if insulted. Typically the gauchos wears the gaucho clothes (loose shirt, wide pants called bombachos, I think), sips matte tea (yuck!) by the side of a fire while the churrasco cooks on the spit. The gaucho woman is called a prenda, and wears long wide dresses, with lots of hoops and petticoats. She is fun, cheerful and works hard.
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ASSALTANTE DE BRASILIA Querido povo brasileiro, estou aqui no horário nobre da TV para dizer que no final do mês, o governo vai aumentar as seguintes tarifas: Energia, Água, Esgoto, Gás, Passagem de ônibus, Imposto de renda, Lincenciamento de veículos, Seguro Obrigatório, Gasolina, Álcool, IPTU, IPVA, IPI, ICMS, PIS, COFINS. |
ROBBER FROM BRASILIA Dear Brazilian people, I am here on prime time TV to say that at the end of the month, the government we will raise the following tariffs: Energy, Water, Sewer, Gas, Bus Tickets, Income tax, vehicles licenses, mandatory , Gasoline, Alcohol, IPTU, IPVA, IPI, ICMS, PIS, COFINS (all taxes). |
We have reached the punch line, and it needs no explanation. To Brazilians, all politicians are self-serving, corrupt, long-winded jerks that make big promises, but only manage to make life difficult for the average person. Just like the common street robbers, they steal from the people, but these use laws instead of guns. Click here for a Lula joke.
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DIFERENÇA ENTRE O SONHO E O PESADELO Sonho: Comer um churrasco preparado por gaúchos, Numa praia da Bahia, Organizado por paulistas, Animado por cariocas. Pesadelo: Comer um churrasco preparado por baianos, Numa praia gaúcha, Organizado por cariocas, Animado por paulistas. |
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DREAM AND A NIGHTMARE Dream: Eat a churrasco (barbeque) prepared by gaúchos (Rio Grande do Sul), On a beach in Bahia, Organized by Paulistas, Entertained by cariocas. Nightmare: Eat a churrasco (barbeque) prepared by Baianos On a beach in Rio Grande do Sul, Organized by Cariocas, Entertained by Paulistas. |
Well, while I’m being politically incorrect, but honest, let me add a few more stereotypes or popular beliefs, at least as far as Brazilian humor goes.
I think I will quit here, but one last item. When I started to write this, I thought it would help if I ran the jokes through the Google translator so that it would be easier. Here is the Portuguese to English translation, from Google, for the Paraibano:
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Ei, bichim... This is an assault... It lands the arms and in one if papal brief, one if cague and one it makes munganga. Arrebola the money in the weeds and does not make pantim, if I do not thread the fossil hunter in yours bucho and boto your fact pra is... Pardon my Padim Pade Ciço, but is that I tô with a hunger of the disease. |
Since I didn’t remember anything about fossil hunters or papal briefs in the joke, I did my own translation.